Poco Poco

I feel like the past few weeks have been like a person standing in the middle of a dance floor with folks passing by spinning me round until I am giddy enough to fall over, everything fuses together as day and night merge - observing the mind emotions and body and feeling it all so painfully - knowing I have to pick myself up dust myself off and see what this new and unexpected twist in my path will bring - fear, anger, guilt, panic the desire to curl up in a ball under the blanket and never emerge all overwhelm me at times and yet I know I cannot give into these thoughts and emotions
We were so a much a team that I really do feel as half of me is missing
Julio and Amanda invited several people out to eat last Sunday [which coincided with my birthday] I think the weather mirrored my emotional state that day as the heavens opened, torrential rain thunder and lightening meant that many of the folks invited were postponed and it was just the regular few, we set up the table in the almacén [looking up how to spell this I see the word before is Alma = soul] Jo remarked that she had been looking at last years calender and saw that we had all been out at Julio and Amanda's on the 14th the previous year and the weather was exactly the same as we remembered Del getting itchy about leaving before the tracks became impassable and of course we all told him to chill - how I wish I had realised how easily stress would affect him - I did know that's the thing and I would try and talk to him about it, but he would always say he wasn't stressing anymore he didn't do worrying - but I could always tell by his face what was going on internally..........
I realise I was very scared of what was happening to him for a while beforehand and that was what had triggered my panic attacks - if we create our reality did I create this or was I tapping into Del's energies - these thoughts assault me - the Thursday of his first strokes, I had had a major panic attack with the word stroke going round and round in my mind I thought it was me and then Del slurred his words and his face twisted in front of me and the reality of the situation hit me - but I never thought he would die, even when taken into intensive care it never occurred to me that he wouldn't be coming home.........
I thnk what I am experiencing shock - I don't know having never experienced anything like this befor........

It is now Thursday a week before I head over to Scotland.........I try not to think of past nor future, past makes me sad and future sets of a panic attack.........a real lesson in living in the moment.......I lost it all a bit at the weekend........just retreated into myself........concern about my daughter and how she isn't dealing with it all, she has now been signed off work for 2 weeks - it was all getting on top of her.

The realisation that Leigh Keith and Marta will be moving in on Friday pushed me into a real cleaning frenzy and moving everything.......also a burst of crocheting in recognition that on Saturday I have a stall apart from that - not thinking about it.......the burst of cleansing and new moon has been good for me, rearranging the house and preparing for the winter months.....the really chilly mornings are here........


I am learning to not think of Del and not feel guilty about not thinking of him - know what I mean? There will be plenty of time to do that in the future.........although it sneaks up on me, something I come across in the house - walking through the streets and not having his hand to hold - things said - talking of which Del would have enjoyed the iconoclasts and would have agreed with a lot of what was said "As a psychologist Susan wants to understand the mind. She has experimented with hallucinogenic drugs because she wanted to learn "how to face demons and terrors, how to let go of self, how to explore the further reaches of human experience." Del said that his first experience with lsd filled him with joy/happiness/relief - that there other realities..............

A full lunar cycle has now passed and as the seasons change so must I it is the season to hibernate and reflect and think of what is to become and I think that is how it will be for me when I return to Spain..........there is much to consider.........one half of me has been removed and so I must rebuild myself in some ways - be whole on my own - is this my lesson? Oh Delee I do so miss you to talk to.......you said one of the reasons you loved me was my strengths, I don't feel very strong right now - in fact I don't even want to be strong I wanna be weak Soring through books yesterday I came across "Wherever you go, there you are".....Whatever has happened to you, it has already happened. The important question is, how are you going to handle it? In other words, what now? To find our way, we will need to pay more attention to this moment. It is the only time that we have in which to live, grow feel and change. What is required is a willingness to look deeplyat one's present moments, no matter what they hold, in a spirit of generosity, kindness to oneself, and openness toward what might be possible.


An idea has been forming whereby I could/can share this home with another, thinking about it and talking to Leigh it would be nice if there was a single Mum out there who would like to try life in Spain or wants to move out but can't afford to buy or regular rental oh there are many possibilities - I would prefer to share with someone on a reciprocal basis rather than just another way to bring in a few bucks 


Trying to get everything out of the middle rooms ready for L,K n M is a slow process as someone always pops round for a cuppa  and stays for an hour or 2 - oh I'm not complaining it is kind of them all and I am glad of distraction and friendly banter.....everything just got dumped up in my room and it has taken me 2 days to work my way through it all - finally it looks like a bedroom again - albeit re-arranged - but order has been gained in the chaos at last and I am knackered - when I get back from Scotland then I am definitely going to paint the room..........


Tonight I have been invited down to Nikki and Gary's - have a meal and stay over - see how Squidge is - I shall be back early morning as Nikki has to bring the children up for school and Leigh will pop in tonight after I have gone to see if she is OK............