It's only 2 weeks - it feels like a lifetime and yet no time - I am still wishing for the impossible - I try to start to sort through things and I begin to shake, even looking through Del's favourites becomes painful - literally the pain in my heart twists and tightens - I have never known anything quite like this - nothing prepares for this kinda hurt - I try to remember to be grateful for all my fabulous famnily and friends and for having a roof over my head, counting my blessings is a hard task - you know Del observed our start something new on a new moon - he really started something new this time -every new moon will be a poignant one - I spent the w/e hiding under the blankets, pulling myself out for Julio and Amanda on Sat night and popping round to Leigh N keefs for some food last night and meeting Glenys who pointed out she is the first person to have met me solo {she never did meet Del} - later on I shall wander up with Squidge to the cematario it will be quiet as it is a national holiday for the civil service so the guardia open up their doors and have open house for all the village, much food drink music singing and dancing..........Friday I got the bill for the funeral and 20 days to pay - 18 and counting feels like a timebomb and sets off the panic attacks which had almost vanished - vulnerability anger at myself for not being able to pull myself together and deal with it all - I wanna be an ostrich find me a patch of sand - the house is so quiet - can't listen to the radio nor the music any more - I've always been able to deal with things before - everything gets easier as time passes - how much time though? this seems to be getting harder - don't feel like a tough ole bird now - feel very selfish and not liking it, sitting in my own little misery midden - there are folks out there who are a helluva lot worse off - like being 18 again remember these kinda misery middens of me me me......
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